Gift + Curse

I brought her home on a crisp November morning. I had been staying with my grandmother in Indiana for a week and picked her up from the breeder on way back to Michigan.  I was really nervous, especially since I wasn't able to take more than 200.00 from the ATM. I wasn't sure if the breeder would let me take her home that day. I arrived and explained the situation and she said that was fine. I would Paypal her the rest of the money. I waited while her two little girls ran to the back to fetch her. They brought her out and I could see her tiny little body being carefully held by the 8 year old girl. Her mother explained a few things to me and then urged her daughter to hand the little puppy over to me. She gently placed all 2 pounds of her in my hands and my heart burst. I loved her so much in that one moment. She whimpered and wiggled. She was black and white and brindled. I held her to my face and gave her a little kiss. The two little girls watched intently. T...

It was the first day of high school. It warm California day in September. I was walking to my first period class. And then I saw him. It was just like a movie, where everything slows down and the only person in focus is the love interest.  I looked around in each of my classes to see if he was there. Then, in last period history class, he was there, and he was sitting right next to me. 

I worked at a grocery store after graduating from college. I hated it. It wasn't so bad at first. Great benefits, two days off in a row, a 20% discount on food. But all of my shifts were 3-11 pm. I am most definitely not a night person and working late nights was not easy for me.  After several months of this schedule, I asked my manager for some opening shifts, or even a mid shift. He looked at me blankly then asked me if I had any children. Confused by the question, I replied no. He then told me that many of my other co-workers did have children and that their schedules required them to have opening and mid-shifts. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say that it wasn't fair that I had to close because I didn't have kids. But I didn't. I was afraid to.  So I left the office, confused and angry and irked at my fellow co-workers.  Needless to say, I savored my days off. I woke up early with the hopes of cramming in as much fun and relaxation as I poss...

I was walking home from my bus stop one winter afternoon and I had this very strange feeling that we were going to get a dog.  We lived in Navy housing where all the houses looked exactly the same. Large boxes split in two and shared by two families. If someone was arguing with someone you could hear it on the other side. If someone smoked in the house, you could smell it on the other side.  The street behind my house was on a large hill and the closer to the bottom of that hill, the more excited I became. Cutting through the side yard of our neighbor's house and into my backyard, my hear rate increased. I started to open the back door and before I could open more than a crack, I heard her say, "Close your eyes and hold out your arms." I did as I was told, kind of knowing what was coming. With my eyes closed, and arms open, a furry wiggly little thing was placed into my arms. My eyes opened to see a black ball of fur trying to escape me. I almost started ...

We both sat in the Dr.'s office together. She talked to both her and me at the same time. Explaining that dealing with an eating disorder is like dealing with an alcoholism. You wouldn't keep a fully stocked bar if you lived with an alcoholic. Just like you shouldn't keep cabinets full of cookies, chips and candy bars if you lived with a bulimic.  The ride down the elevator to the car was quiet and tense. I kept my eyes to the ground.  She was livid as she drove us home. "You're just doing this for attention. Why should we have to sacrifice for your problem? I don't really care if you live or if you die at this point. I'm sick of your behavior." I felt like I was falling inside of myself. 

The first time I became aware of her was in the 8th grade. It was my second day at the new middle school, in the new state. We had moved to our new city about a month before and it was culture shock to me. We had lived in a very white, military community, in Connecticut. My class knew one girl who's first language was Spanish and we were blown away by it. We all thought it was so cool.  The poor girl was constantly asked, "How do you say (insert curse word here) in Spanish?" My first day at this new school, I found myself seated between 3 different languages, not knowing a single word. I was floored. There were kids of all racial backgrounds at this new school. I wasn't afraid, I just wished all the kids at my old school could hear what I was hearing. The following day was a half day of elective classes. This was a year round school which meant we went to school for three months, had a month off, and Wednesdays were half days. We got to choose two elective ...

I flew out to San Diego for a friend's wedding. We weren't super close friends, but she invited me and my best friend was one of the bridesmaids.The wedding was going to be held in a photography museum at Balboa Park in March.  Because my best friend was one of the bridesmaids I drove with her to the bride's house where we would all drive to the wedding together in a limo. The bride briefly lost her Tiffany engagement ring. It was found. The other bridesmaid needed tampons. They were retrieved by the wedding planner. Sea foam dresses were steamed, the bride's dress fit perfectly and everything seemed as though it was going as planned. The ride to the museum was filled with nerves and fun.We jokingly drank from the champagne bottles and blasted music from the speakers. I attempted to take some photos for memories but failed at getting very many. This was a time before everyone had smartphones and cameras were still kind of an awkward device. We arrived at Ba...

I remember him being so helpful and understanding. I am not always self sufficient and he was always there for me when I needed a little push. Never angry or in disbelief that an adult woman couldn't speak out when something was wrong with a bill or an order. He would just pick up where I seemed to drop off. Handling situations that made me uncomfortable with no explaining. He just knew. I think about him sometimes when I don't feel understood because sometimes I feel like he has been the only person who has really known me. Sometimes better than I know myself.  I dream about him once in awhile. Often I'm looking in on his life. A life that could have possibly been mine if I had only had the patience for him. A person who I could have had if I had truly understood what it was like for someone to know me.

I'll start this blog with a very recent memory. Last Wednesday, December 27th, I watched as my elderly, widowed, neighbor said good-bye to her beloved cat for the last time.  It was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. I had been helping her bring her cat to the vet's office, and helping her give him medication for about 6 months. He had developed a tumor in his ear canal that was inoperable. It started with his eye not being able to fully open. He lost his appetite too. The vet gave her medication that helped stimulate his appetite, but that eventually stopped working and he started falling over a bit. He hadn't eaten in 2 days when she decided to call Compassionate Care. My phone rang around 9am. I figured she needed me to come over and help her give him his medication. Instead she told me that she had come to the decision to euthanize Britches. Her voice sounded slow and heavy over the phone.  I headed over there around 11 and the neighbo...